| Do you have to be at your baby's birth? |
 It's up to you - but yes, yes, yes!!!
It's up to you
Four decades ago it was unusual for a father to be there when his child was born. These days, for urban dads it's more unusual if he isn't there. For many couples, being together is what feels right.
But not everyone feels the same.
Talk about what you want
It's important to talk together as a couple about your expectations of the birth and about what a father's role is at the big event. If you feel anxious that too much is being expected of you, why not talk about having a second birth partner - a friend or family member, perhaps, or a paid doula - to be there too. In fact just having the fallback of another birth partner is hugely helpful for some men.
What are the good things about being at the birth?
Sharing the moment of birth of your child is a magical experience. Often you can cut the umbilical cord, or just hand the baby to mum, holding a newborn shows you how fragile that life is can help you bond immediately with your child - important for your future relationship. Just seeing what your partner goes through can give you a new respect for her and help in dealing with frustrations after the birth that are inevitable as both adjust to this new life in the house.
What are the difficult things?
Nina Smith, an antenatal teacher with the National Childbirth Trust who's studied the role of men in the delivery room, says the hardest challenge is seeing your partner in pain and not being able to do anything about it. "Of course there are things you can try, and often it is small things that make a difference," she says. "But it takes confidence to try them, and that isn't easy - especially for the first-time father."
Lots of dads say what they find tough in the early stages is knowing exactly what they can do to help. "I ended up feeling a bit of a spare part," says Andy. "Stella was obviously in pain and could do with some help, but I just didn't know what I could do to be of use. The midwife had some ideas but nothing seemed to be working - I felt lame, really."
One of the most difficult things for dads to deal with is when events take an unexpected turn: sometimes everything seems to change very quickly, with doctors and other medical people pouring into the room and scary possibilities being discussed. "We'd been to antenatal classes and I knew I was supposed to keep my cool and ask all sorts of questions about what was being done and why," says Ed, father of eight-month-old Cameron. "But when the lights all went on and the doctor arrived and started saying we had to get into the theatre quick, my legs turned to jelly and I just prayed both Caroline and our baby was going to get through this alive."
Many dads describe hair-raising scenarios in which they feared for the lives of their partner and unborn baby. Andrew, dad to four-week-old Oliver, explains how Tanya's longed-for low-tech delivery at a birth centre took a dramatic turn when her cervix failed to dilate fully. "Everything was fine for a few hours, with the contractions building up and Tanya coping well, and I thought we were going to sail through," he says. "But when things didn't move on enough the midwife said we'd have to transfer to the general hospital 15 miles away.
"It was really scary: I wasn't allowed in the ambulance so I had to go in the car on my own. When we got to some road works the ambulance siren started up and the blue lights were flashing and they pulled on ahead, leaving me in the traffic jam. I was thinking the worst, wondering whether they'd both still be alive by the time I got to the hospital..."
What can I do to prepare to be at our baby's birth?
Preparation is crucial. It won't stop the unexpected, and it won't mean you breeze through whatever happens. But it will mean you are more aware of the possibilities involved in a labour and birth, and it could give you the confidence to try to help your partner cope with contractions.
If at all possible, join your partner in an antenatal course. Some courses are for couples, others are for women but have a couples class -- do make sure you attend this. And don't keep putting off reading about labour and what to expect - it really does make a difference if you understand what happens during each stage of labour by the time you get to the delivery room.
New dads' tips - what you need to know
"Tanya was very keen on the birth centre, and I'm not saying it wasn't a good idea - but I wish I'd thought more about its limitations, and had some idea of what would happen if we needed to transfer to the general hospital. I'd say find out all you can about every scenario it's possible to envisage."
- Andrew
"Emily had had a previous caesarean and the hospital doctor didn't agree she should have a home birth. But it was what Emily wanted, and we did our research and found out the risks were negligible. In the end the midwives supported us and we got the delivery we wanted. I'd say find out what you need to know, and surround yourselves with supportive people. And do consider hiring a doula: we did, and it was like employing an angel!"
-- Steve
"The staff were excellent but there was a ruthless efficiency about it all for them, which was a bit of a shock for me alongside the emotion I was feeling. To anyone else about to become a father, I'd simply say: expect the unexpected."
-- Philip
"The key message is: be flexible. Be willing to try something, but be ready to accept if it's not what's needed, and don't mind if your partner's reaction is to push you away."
-- Nina Smith
Written by Joanna Moorhead
Joanna Moorhead is a journalist and author specialising in birth and parenting. She has four daughters, the youngest of whom was born in 2002. She is a regular contributor to the Guardian newspaper and regularly writes for a number of parenting magazines. |
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First draft of the AFI Training Manual on tackling abusive behaviour. Comments, additions, improvements welcome!
