If you are violent in your relationship you are a Perpetrator of Domestic Violence and need to accept that fact and try and get help.

If you are being physically violent, emotionally abusing your partner, intimidating your partner, controlling your partner, sexually abusing your partner - you are a Perpetrator of Domestic Violence.

“Do no harm,” must be the mantra of every man in our society and especially fathers. Situations of family and relationship violence impact couples, but can be particularly harmful for children. Recognizing and responding to domestic violence reduces the risk of harm to children and supports families in their efforts to achieve a healthy relationship. Fathers who play a safe and positive role in their children's life have been shown to reduce a child's risk of suffering from short and long term negative effects including abuse and neglect. All relationships should be safe (non-violent) and positive (mutual respect).

Many perpetrators of domestic violence constantly put the blame on their partner - I'll stop hitting you if you do this - if you do that - if you stop winding me up - if you do what I say etc. etc. The only person who is responsible for your actions is YOU. By blaming others you are acting like a child - it is time to act like an adult and accept responsibility for your own actions. The time to get help is NOW - not to keep putting it off or denying that you need help. What you are doing is not only against the law but you are ultimately destroying another person, destroying their confidence, their trust, their self esteem and their respect for you.

If you don't get help to stop what you are doing this kind of behaviour will be carried on into all your relationships leaving broken relationships, unhappy relationships, fearful relationships for your partner. You have to want to get help for YOU, to be prepared to work hard on yourself and to face up to what you are doing and the damage you are causing your partner and also any children which may be involved in the relationship.

You may have been abusing your partner(s) for many years and got away with it as your partner has been too frightened to give evidence - THE LAW IS CHANGING IN MANY COUNTRIES AND THE LAW WILL CATCH UP WITH YOU. THE POLICE WILL BE ABLE TO PROSECUTE WITHOUT ALWAYS HAVING EVIDENCE OR A STATEMENT FROM YOUR PARTNER SO YOU NEED TO GET HELP TO STOP ABUSING BEFORE IT IS TOO LATE AND THE CHOICE WILL BE TAKEN OUT OF YOUR HANDS AND YOUR FREEDOM TAKEN AWAY FROM YOU..

To be able to take responsibility for your actions and to stop blaming others takes strength and courage. Anyone who rules others through fear and intimidation is a cowardly weak person. If you are a perpetrator of domestic violence you can choose what kind of person you want to be - cowardly and weak (blaming others for your actions and continuing your abusive behaviour) or strong and courageous (facing up to and taking responsibility for your actions and getting help). If you choose the latter then try and get help now - there are agencies who can provide workshops and counselling to help you to stop this cycle of abuse.

Download the AFI Above Abuse draft manual at the bottom of this page. It will give you some ideas about your actions, what has led you into volence as a way of 'solving' your problems and a few strategies to start the change. Good luck, it's hard to change but you can do it!!!!

Email me at trevor@africanfathers.org and I promise confidentiality and I will try to put you in touch with people who can help you!