Deb Clemmensen looks at the situation in A Step in the Right Direction: Children in Blended Families. She points out that there is no "instant love," but instead a focus on building through mutual appreciation and respect. She adds: "Anticipate that the development of a trusting, rewarding relationship is likely to take time, and will be tested often along the way."

One idea to start things off is a new photo album. Best not to call it "the Smith family" when the children have the "Jones" surname, but the album can begin with the wedding pictures and continue from there. Family holidays and vacations, special occasions like birthdays, and photos of regular activities help to build the feeling of family. Soon it becomes a record of "us," without taking anything away from the ties that children still have with the other biological parent. In fact, the children may want to give some of the pictures to the other biological parent. Rather than taking any pictures away from the new family album, it is better to get extra copies.

Whenever possible, make the photo album creation a family activity. Have the children decide on the best arrangement of the pictures, and try to have all family members taking part.

Family activities that lead to picture taking needn't be expensive. During the summer, a picnic in the park or a visit to the beach involves everyone. Even small children can help in sandwich or salad making.

Vacations and holidays are good starting points for building traditions and a feeling of closeness. If it isn't possible to work out a satisfactory visitation schedule with the other biological parent at an important time such as Independence Day, arrange with the children to have "our" celebration on another day. Point out that a specific date on the calendar doesn't have to be the only time that a celebration is held, and the day before or after is just as good. Again, these are good occasions for taking pictures for the album. Sharing the children's interests whenever possible is an important activity for all parents, but particularly so for stepparents.

Car travel lends itself to game playing, especially if the stepparent and children introduce the others to activities they haven't done before. It's best if competition is minimized, as these new traditions should, as much as possible, be associated with fun and laughter.

Stepgrandparents can help a lot, too. One activity that often interests them is showing the children the family tree. When the blended family is new, it's best not to emphasize that the children are now part of the family history. When the summary reaches the present generation, the grandparent can say something casual, such as, "and this is where you fit in."