Talking about sex with your kids can strike fear in any father's life. But having those talks with your children is an important part of fathering, and of communicating your attitudes and value to them.

So how do you start the process and what should you do to prepare, whether your inquisitive child is seven or seventeen?

General Guidelines

Understand Your Own Attitudes and Values. This can be tough because our attitudes about sex are just not something we think about regularly. Before you initiate a discussion about sex, take some time and identify your values. Some dads I know take the time to write down 7 to 10 messages they want their children to understand about sex. This is a pretty good way of identifying your values. For example, such a statement might be " Sex is one important component of a permanent, committed and trusting relationship." Or "Teens that have sex must take responsibility for their actions." Just listing these messages is a good exercise in understanding what you think and feel about sex.

Put it in a Relationship Context. In the world in which we live, there are many messages about sex that tend to isolate it from its true context. A few episodes of Friends or Sex in the City suggest that media messages disassociate sex from relationships. Help your children understand that sex is not an isolated experience. It follows from commitment in a relationship.

Give Accurate but Age Appropriate Information. An important part of communicating with your children about sex is giving them accurate information. But it is also important to give information which is appropriate for your child's age. Giving clinical information about sexual arousal shouldn't be part of a discussion with a five year old.

Talking with Your Daughter About Sex. Dads and daughters can both feel a little awkward talking to the other about sex. But daughters need to hear their fathers' attitudes about sex and intimacy. It's OK to have mom there, but don't let gender differences stop you from having the conversation.

Relax. For some reason, dads tend to get a little nervous when discussing sex with their children. If you feel uncomfortable, prepare yourself and then take a few deep breaths. Remember that this is just a normal part of being a parent.

Talk About Responsibility and Consequences. Any discussion of sex should involve a discussion about responsibility. When you tell your son or daughter about sex, remind them that every action has consequences. This is not to scare them; rather it is to help them understand the end result of their choices. Any sexual contact has risks-things like pregnancy, disease, or strong emotional reactions.

Ages 0-3. You may feel that under 3 is too young to communicate about sex, and from a clinical standpoint, you are right. But attitudes about sex are formed early and have their foundation in relationships. The focuses at early ages should be on knowing the names of body parts, on healthy touch and on privacy and respect.

• Naming Body Parts. Children under age three are exploring their world and their bodies and will be inquisitive. When you start helping them know about ears and fingers, its OK to start helping them know about penises and vulvae. Don't be ashamed or embarrassed. It is just part of learning about their world.
• Healthy Touch. The foundations of sexual attitudes are formed early. You can help your preschool child start to identify how good touch feels as opposed to bad touch. Hugging and cuddling is good and healthy and will help children feel confident in their own bodies. But avoiding unhealthy touch (touching their own or others genitals) should be taught as well. Watch for opportunities to teach proper attitudes toward touch. Help them know that they should talk with you if anyone touches a part of their body that is covered by a swimming suit.
• Teaching Privacy and Respect. One of the most important things parents can do with preschoolers is to teach privacy and respect for others' privacy. Teach them about dressing modestly when they are three and it will not be much of an issue at 14. Help them know that certain parts of our bodies need to stay covered.

Ages 4-8. At this stage, children's curiosity about bodies in general and sex in particular is growing. They begin to be aware of anatomical differences-even a trip to the grocery store or the water slide may evoke a discussion. And this is generally the stage where parents are asked about some of the mechanics of making babies.

• Cultural Influences. The awareness of children to their surroundings begins early and they will start noticing the cultural issues around sex. If Mom or a friend's mom, is expecting a baby, there will be an opportunity to talk about how babies get in there and how they come out. They will also start becoming aware of body differences between men and women. This is a good time to give accurate information and to reinforce the messages you hope they get about sex and intimacy.
• The Mechanics of Sex. When you get the inevitable questions about sex ("How did the baby get in there?"), it's time to start talking about the details of reproduction. It can start pretty simply. For example, you can talk about a special seed that is inside daddies that combines with a little egg that is inside mommies. When these two things combine, a baby starts growing. Then, as questions continue ("How does the seed get from the daddy into the mommy?") then you can get more clinical. You may want to find some good books at your library or local bookstore that will help you teach these principles.

Ages 9-12. By the time your children reach nine or ten, they should know the mechanics of sex and reproduction. They will likely be starting to hear about sex from their friends and may start experiencing sexual desire or arousal. Girls usually start first finding the opposite very interesting-boys typically take a little longer. This is a good time to start focusing on responsibility and helping children understand values and consequences.

• Talking About Responsible Sex. As your children start feeling hormones or cultural pressures about sex, it is a good time to talk about responsibility. Help them learn that sex is natural and healthy, but that it is meant as a part of a mature, committed relationship. Teach them about the need to wait for sexual activity until it is in that context. Help them know that sexual feelings are normal, but need to be managed according to their values. Just like we don't always strike out physically when we are angry, we don't act out when we feel sexually aroused. Our actions need to always be governed by our values. Also, help them understand the risks and consequences of a pregnancy if the mom and dad are not ready to be parents.
• Be There To Answer Questions. Ages 9-12 is also a time when children are open to asking questions of their parents and listening to answers. This openness is fleeting once a child enters the teen years, and so dads should take the opportunity to respond to questions when they are asked.

  It has often seemed unfair to me that nature dictated that hormones rage in the teen years when teens are not yet ready for adult responsibilities. But it is a fact of life that sexual urges start well before our teens are emotionally ready for sexual activity.

  What Teens Need to Know About Sex and Responsibility. Whether or not a father feels that abstinence is best for teens (as opposed to protected sex), there are some important health messages that need to be communicated to our teens.

• Abstinence is the only sure way to prevent pregnancy and avoid getting a sexually transmitted disease. No safe sex practice is unconditionally guaranteed to protect from unwanted pregnancy or STD's. Some contraceptive measures can significantly reduce the risk, but none can prevent these consequences.
• Abstinence means not having vaginal, oral or anal sex. Our teens are aware of various forms of sexual activity, and they need to know that participating in any of these forms of sexual activity puts them at risk. There is a risk of getting an STD by having vaginal, oral or anal sex.
• The use of alcohol and drugs gets in the way of good decisions.There is a reason why we discourage alcohol and drug use among teens-it impairs judgment and opens doors to activities that would be closed if a person is unimpaired. Help your teens learn to avoid any substance or activity that puts them at risk.
• Sex has a powerful emotional basis-it is not all about disease and pregnancy. We often discuss the health and pregnancy risks of teen sex, but we need to help them understand that sex is an emotional issue as well. Even if unwanted pregnancy and STD's could be totally eliminated through safe sex practices, the emotions associated with sex are hard for teens to handle. Early sexual activity in an immature and uncommitted relationship can bring with it serious depression, isolation and other consequences.

Discourage Early Frequent Steady Dating. Even though hormones rage, we have to help our teens develop healthy relationships with the opposite sex. Experts in the area of teen pregnancy recommend that we discourage single frequent dating before age 16, and discourage steady dating even at 16. Help your teens focus on group activities and double dating. Consider some family rules like not dating the same person twice in a row until 17 or 18. Statistics are pretty clear-teens who have steady boyfriends or girlfriends at early teen ages have a much higher risk of a teen pregnancy.

Teens and Pornography. With the explosion of internet pornography, even with filtering and social stigma, teens often find themselves exploring pornography. Clearly, this was an issue before the internet, but pornography is much more accessible now than ever before. Let your teens know that pornography is not a healthy way to explore their sexuality-that it tends to take sex out of its proper context as part of a relationship and isolate it as a biological urge. Putting sex in this unhealthy context harms normal healthy relationships with others. Keep the lines of communication open and make sure your teens avoid pornography in any form.

Conclusion

Talking with your children about sex can be a very challenging prospect for fathers. Remembering some key points can make it easier.

• Help your children see sex in its proper context-as part of a mature, committed relationship
• Help them understand that sex and responsibility go hand in hand
• Teach your children the health and emotional risks of early sexual activity
• Keep your discussions age appropriate and make sure your information is accurate
• The quality of your overall relationship with your children affects the quality of your ability to effectively communicate about sex