William Klatte has written an insightful book called Live-Away Dads. In it, he suggests five beneficial actions you can take: goals you can focus on when you don’t know what to do next.

First, keep your promises. Your kids are depending on you, and kept promises are an important way you can create stability during a time of uncertainty. Each broken promise, no matter how small, reduces their trust in you a little bit, and can really erode over time. So, think before you speak, and do everything you can to keep your word.

Second, show your kids that you’ll be okay. For them to feel confident and at peace, they have to see that you are. If it’s obvious that you’re devastated, they’ll be insecure. That doesn’t mean you never show weaknesses; honesty is critical. But show them in words and actions that you can make it through the tough times.

Also, support their mother. Impossible, you say? It’s a vital element of any healthy family—intact or otherwise. Recognize that cutting her down lowers you in the long run. Help them honor her as their mother. Work out disagreements in private.

Fourth, be the best parent you can be. That’s all you can control anyway. They need patience and understanding, fair limits, balance and consistency from you, so don’t try to counteract their mom’s parenting style. It brings more harm than good.

Finally, be involved for the long haul. It sounds obvious, but it’s amazing how many divorced dads get sidetracked by a new job, a different city, or a new relationship—maybe with a new family—and lose track of the sincere commitments they made to their children. Being a positive influence in your kids’ lives means being there when they need you, for small and big things.

Don’t let your motivation as a dad fall off through the years because of frustration or the tedium of routine. You are important to your kids even if they don’t always show it.

• A good divorce is a divorce where parents get along and children have relationships with both parents.
• Having a good divorce does not mean the couple are great friends.
• A good divorce is one in which family-oriented relationships are maintained so that any negative impact on children is minimized.
• This is about ending one life and starting another, getting a new center of balance and making it work -- spiritually, emotionally and practically.

The state of your emotions has great practical significance. In order to make sound decisions -- indeed, to solve any problems -- you need to be aware of your inner condition and, often, that of your spouse. You need to know how to deal with emotional issues and how not to get stuck in psychological traps. Understanding basic things about how the real divorce works will help you in dealing with yourself, your spouse, your legal divorce and your list of practical problems.

Possibly the most real thing in your life right now is the way you feel. Nothing else is as real as your pain, fear, anger, hurt, guilt, tension, nervousness, illness, depression -- whatever it is you are feeling. The practical tasks you face are also very real -- how to get by financially, how to rearrange the parenting of your children, what to say to family and friends, what to do next, and so on. Your real divorce, then, presents these challenges:

Emotional. This is about breaking (or failing to break) the bonds, patterns, dependencies, and habits that attach you to your ex-spouse -- learning to let go and get beyond anger, fear, hurt, guilt, blame, and resentment. Over time, you learn about past mistakes so you don't have to repeat them; you develop a balanced view of yourself, your ex-spouse, and your marriage; you create self-confidence and an openness to new intimate relationships.

Physical. Our minds and bodies are not separate. Emotions -- especially strong ones that are ignored, denied or repressed -- are frequently expressed physically. During divorce, people tend to experience a lot of tension, nervousness, and insecurity. They get ill frequently and have accidents. This is a time when you must focus on relaxation and take extra good care of your health.

Practical. This is about taking care of business, including your legal divorce. It's the nuts and bolts of what to do, where to go, how to get there as you begin to build a new life for yourself. You need to create safety and security for yourself and your children; to make ends meet in a new lifestyle that produces what you need and needs no more than you can produce -- in other words, living within your new level of income.

In contrast to the real divorce, the legal divorce is specifically about property, custody, support and, in high-conflict cases, keeping the peace. Whatever you go through to get it, what you end up with is a bit of paper with court orders written on it. So, what does the legal divorce accomplish for your real divorce? Surprisingly little, as you will see -- it is just a subcategory of the practical real divorce. But the legal divorce does have important symbolic value. When you file those papers, it makes an important statement to your spouse, to yourself and to the world that a decision has been made, a new identity and a new direction have been chosen. In practical terms, it forces you to deal with some of your important practical issues (property, custody and support). That's about it for the legal divorce.

The real divorce is what your life is about and how you go about it -- this is your real work in life. And unless you decide to get counseling or go into therapy, the real divorce doesn't cost a dime. It is, however, very costly in terms of personal effort, but here, too, you can reduce the cost by learning to avoid common traps. Going through major life changes -- in other words, recreating your life -- is demanding, painful, hard work, but it may be the most important work you ever do.

Keep the children in the forefront of your concerns

When a father leaves home due to divorce, teens and children may experience a deep, spiritual soul loss and longing for having a father that loves them. The young men often mourn the fact that they do not have anyone who can teach them to become a “real man.” They are left with their similarly adolescent and lost friends to show them the way into adulthood.

Young women are left unprotected by the fact that no father greets a boyfriend at the door and says, “You have ME to answer to.” These young ladies are vulnerable because at any sign of male attention, often older males, often sexual, the girls jump at the chance to be told they’re pretty, lovable and wanted.

There is an increase of diagnosed depression, anxiety and addiction in our young people [SAMSHA National Survey on Drug Use & Health], often stemming from feeling unlovable and living in lower socio-economic status. Many fathers simply no longer feel responsible for providing economic resources for their children.

When young people grow up without their fathers, they encounter several troublesome obstacles. First, if dad is sometimes in the picture, they have to pick up and move from home to home on some pretty crazy schedules. It would challenge any adult to do what is ask of young people -- changing homes and still function highly at work.

Next there’s the dreaded disappointment and generalization about relationships. The dad who consistently breaks promises is paving a path of distrust and disrespect from his child. According to Judith Wallerstein many children feel that their time for growing up is significantly reduced when parents divorce [The Unexpected Legacy of Divorce, Hyperion, 2000].

Good Ideas to Support the Relationship with Your Children

• Attend your children and teens' sports, music performances, plays etc.
• Go to the parent teacher conferences.
• Eliminate conflict with your ex. Speak positively about your ex in front of the children.
• Minimize additional changes to your children's lives.
• Remain financially responsible. If you would have paid for sports, clothes, medical care and education prior to the divorce, continue that commitment.
• Keep your promises.
• Be a parent, not a friend. Teen and child development is assisted by consistent rules, boundaries, expectations and monitoring.
• Spend time having fun and listening to your kids.
• Tell children & teens you love them and show it by your consistent caring action.
• Be a good model of problem solving and conflict resolution.

When a divorce occurs, feelings of anger, sadness and resentment may cloud your judgment about parenting. It's important to get the emotional support you need through friends, family (adults), support groups or counseling. Then focus on your children. The legacy you leave as a father is important to your children, their future relationships and life success.